Anyway, I met a man in the fall of this past year who came to my college to talk about bullying. He was sharing the story of his son, who'd been bullied constantly because of his sexual orientation. The father let us listen to one of the messages on his answering machine, cursing out his son for being a "faggot" and other such comments. And, that day, he taught me a life lesson I'll never forget.
Bullying is more than you think it is. It's more than just calling a kid names and shoving him into a locker. It's more than telling a girl she's a slut and dumping your food on her. It's a lot more. And it affects more of us than we realize. The fact is that I'm pretty sure every single person in the entire world has been or will be bullied at some point in his or her life, and will bully someone else. Why? Because we don't even realize we're doing it.
You're in the hallway at school with a group of your friends. They're all joking, and trying to one-up each other with their insults and witty humor. One of them looks at you, and makes a joke about you. Where do we draw the line between what's bullying and what's joking? Well, how did you feel after that person said what he or she did? Did it just bounce off? Did you shrug and dust it off? Did it affect you, but you're pretending it didn't? Did it actually hurt your feelings? This is blurry ground. The truth is, if it affected your self-esteem or self-confidence, then it's considered bullying. Like I said, people don't even realize they're doing it. For example, I have a friend who is brutally honest in every single aspect of her life. But sometimes, she says the wrong thing in the wrong way at the wrong time. She has a tendency to call me "a dumbass" when I don't get something right away. The only thing I personally think I have going for me is my intellect, so, when she says that, she tears down the one part of me I feel is worth something. I don't mean to take it to heart, and I wouldn't, but I can't help it. She says it so sincerely that it makes me doubt myself, and I begin to feel bad. Then she'll tell me that I could be great at so many things if I didn't let life pass me by and if I wasn't afraid of life. So, I have a lot of fears and phobias, and it's something about myself that I'm not proud of, but it hurts when someone takes a stab at the most sensitive parts of yourself. Whether you believe it or not, no matter how close you are to these kinds of people, they are bullying you. Maybe to make themselves feel better, maybe because they mean the best but can't properly express it. Regardless, they're still hurting you, and thus, they're still bullying you.
We may not even realize it's happening, but it does actually affect all of us. The more I think about those things she and other people have said to me in that same manner, the worse I feel about myself. You know what? I know I have things wrong with me, I don't need you to point them out. It's like putting salt in the wounds, poking the bruises. They're messing with the soft, broken parts of other human beings and ruining self-confidence.
I know my inadequacies better than you do, I don't need you to point them out. I know that I'm not always the smartest. I know I got that math problem wrong. I know it took me until 5th grade to be able to tie my shoes. I know I'm afraid of heights, drowning, being on stage, being rejected, judgment by peers, feeling certain types of pain, doing stupid things, death, situations that are outside of my control, flying, roller coasters, etc. I know I'm not particularly pretty. I know I'm not a size 2. I know my family is broke. I know my clothes smell like smoke. I know I can't drive. I know I don't have any talents. I know I'm not particularly good at remembering certain things. I know I get stressed out. I know I get annoyed with people. I know I gossip when I shouldn't. I know I've been dishonest. I know I apologize too much. I know I have a hard time telling people when I'm upset with them and end up feeling bad for saying that someone upset me. I know I can be passive-aggressive. I know I'm short. I know I have a big nose. I know I have a birthmark on my arm. I know I have less Facebook friends than you. I know I'm a nerd, and love video games. I know I haven't taken care of myself like I should have. I know I've had crushes on some people that others may find unattractive. I know I care too much about what other people think of me. I know I don't get enough sleep and am often tired. I know I get sick often. I know I'm weak, both physically and emotionally. I know I daydream too much. I know I'll never be the person I want to be.
So, why tell me these things? I try to put them behind me, so I can just live my life and make the best of my situation. But instead, you're constantly trying to remind me of my extensive list of shortcomings. You know that's why people commit suicide. They get to the point that they're so overwhelmed by all the "horrible things" people keep pointing out about them, that they snap and decide they'd rather not live as the people they are, and, since they don't know how to change the way they look, act, dress, like, etc., they just decide to end it.
Maybe you shouldn't be doing this to people and causing this pain. Maybe you should be reminding people what's good about them. If they don't know it's a joke, don't joke with them. There are so many wonderful things about people. We've all got aspects to us that makes our lives worth living, and no one person is better than any other person. You may look at someone and think, "Why can't I look like her? Why can't I have what he has? Why do I have to be lesser?", but the truth is that everyone has their faults and failures, and their good parts. Everyone is different. One person may be good-looking, another may be smart, another may be athletic, another may be a good cook, a good musician, a good author, a good hunter, etc. Some of us have green thumbs, some of us are double-jointed, some of us have incredible memories, some of us are creative, some of us have strength, some of us have luck.
I got a little off-topic there at the end, but you see what I mean? Bullying someone isn't just severe physical violence and obvious put-downs. All it takes is an insult that someone takes to heart. Just be careful what you say, or you could be bullying.
